Persistent Vegetative State...

We were cleaning out my former boss' office this week (I had her axed a few months ago) when we discovered that one of her plants had died. After my boss was axed, we tried as much as possible to maintain her plants but there were just too many of them. After I tossed out the dead poinsettia (which was at least seven years old), my new boss asked me what happened to it. I told her, "well, the thing was in a persistent vegetative state, so we stopped feeding it."

Treat Me, Specialist, for I Have Stressed

A few weeks ago, my wife took me to the spa to get a "Corporate Stress Relief" package for my birthday. Before each procedure, I was asked, "How long has it been since your last massage? How long has it been since your last facial? and How long has it been since your last manicure?" I wondered why that was important. Could they tell that it had been more than a year since I had any spa treatments? Were they about to chastize me for not coming in sooner? Did I really look that stressed? It kinda reminded me of Catholic school, when we would go to confession. Before each spiritual cleansing, the nuns taught us that we should begin each confession with "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been [one month/two weeks/ten days] since my last confession."

smart but shady

There was this cardiologist who bought some property in an area of the inner city, with a large black population. On one half of it, he built his Cardiovascular Disease clinic. On the other half, he built a Checker's fast food franchise.

Johnny's Corndogs

I really dig hot dogs and beer, so I naturallly thought corndogs in a beer batter would be a tasty treat. I couldn't find such a recipe anywhere, so I came up with a one of my own. You'll dig this one:

INGREDIENTS Batter: 1 cup cornmeal 1 cup pancake mix 1 tablespoon baking powder 1 tablespoon sugar 1 teaspoon salt 1 teaspoon ground black pepper 1 teaspoon crushed chipotle pepper (I made these in my smoker, but you can substitute chilipowder) 1 teaspoon dry mustard 1 tablespoon cornstarch 1 cup brown ale Dogs: 10 hot dogs 10 wooden skewers or chopsticks cornstarch Safflower oil, for frying

In a large bowl, combine the dry ingredients for the batter. Stir in the brown ale, and whisk until batter is smooth. Consistency should be firm, but not dough-like. Let sit in the fridge for about 15 minutes. Begin to heat the oil. Insert the wooden skewers into each hot dog. Then, using your hands, rub just enough cornstarch onto the hot dogs to create a dry surface on the skin. This will help keep batter on the hot dogs when dipped. When the oil reaches 375° F, hold each hot dog by the skewer and dip in the batter to coat evenly. The best way to do this is to use a tall, narrow mug filled 3/4 with batter. Once the hot dog has been evenly coated, quickly but carefully insert hot dogs into hot oil and fry for 3 to 5 minutes until golden brown. Fry two to three at a time. Corndogs should not touch while frying. When finished frying, shake off excess oil, and dry on a cool oven rack. Serve with beer. Corndogs this tasty dont need condiments, but a light bead of yellow mustard wont hurt.

I have these dreams...

Quite often, I have these dreams that seem to be fantastic visions of the future. Who knows, it could be clairvoyance. A couple mornings ago, I awoke from a vision where flat-screen displays were not just displays, but also scanners and media players. I know... the way I just described it doesn't seem so revolutionary, but you have to pay attention to how this appeared to me: The display was turned on, and while there was already a whole slew of content available, what I had wanted to access was on one of those ancient DVD disks. So I held a DVD up to the display, and the entire contents of the DVD were downloaded into the system. Since this was one of those double-sided DVDs, I had to flip it over to download the rest of it. This happened instantaneously: I'd hold it up to the display for a second, then I flipped it over. When once I had dumped the contents of the DVD into the media system, I was able to view our wedding video. There were also some photographs that I wanted to dump into the system, so I held up all sorts of photographs to the display. All it took was a quick slap or a swipe of the photograph over the display for it to be dumped into the system. After that, I had unlimited access to the media, and I was able to do with it as I wished. Same went for old documents. Theoretically, one could quickly thumb through the pages of a book in front of the display and then have the book read aloud a la audiobook. What made it possible, I think was nano-scanning modules built into every pixel of the display.