Pinoy Wanna-be Hotels

Pinoy B&B Everyone wears chinelas & maybe even sarongs. Tops optional. No potpourri, just the aroma of Spam & fried fish wafting through all the rooms. Breakfast consists of steamed rice, bistek, green mango with bagoong, and a tall glass of calamansi juice. Guests greeted by a rooster at front door. All guests stay in the same room. No beds, just banig mats and mosquito nets. Each floor has a barrel of water & tabo in the corner for all guests to share. Airport shuttle is a breezy tricycle or jeepney. Exclusive Pinoy Hotel Paper-bag test: Guests must hold their arms up to a brown paper bag, and if their skin is darker than the bag, they are not permitted entry. No credit cards necessary, just a prestigious family crest. Breakfast is a scone, seved with butter and honey, fresh fruits, and a cup of tea. Staff consists of flamboyant men & mestiza women, offspring of local women who were knocked up in the mid-eighties by German tourists on sex tours. If not for their mothers' height gene, they would have been models. Everyone speaks Castillan Spanish or "coño" English. Bellhops only handle matching sets of luggage. Airport shuttle is a spotless white 1968 Buick luxury sedan. Trendy Boutique Hotel Hotel staff wears all black and maintain chic expressionless faces (with the help of botox). Minimal lighting provided by gas sconces mounted on exposed brick walls and columns, Thievery Corporation piped throughout hallways. Breakfast consists of designer crépes and guava juice (because it's "in"). A DJ works the omelet station which also converts to twin turntables. Airport shuttle is a black, tinted Ford Expedition.